Albania 🇦🇱: when I first watched/listening to it, I was preparing myself to be let down. I hate ballads and I hate slow music and that’s exactly how this track starts off. But this track gave me whiplash and that’s a good thing. I love the power, the strong beat, the strong vocals, and its invigorating nature.
Armenia 🇦🇲: this is just an ‘indie’-style break up song with an acoustic guitar and those drums (you know the type). This sounds like Imagine Dragons or something. There’s not really much else to say about this uninspired song. Though the last few seconds or so, the last 10 seconds of her music video had a good ambience.
Australia 🇦🇺: I don’t know whether to hate this or not. But I don’t love it. I appreciate the drama but the song takes a very corny angle to it. Like when you’re trying to land a plane but fuck up the landing. And the “I’m not the same” continues on for a bit too far, stretching this one line to become the entire chorus. And I understand that it’s about some serious stuff and that it hits home for him so I probably shouldn’t tear into his song for that reason. But it’s already too late isn’t it?
Austria 🇦🇹: this song is fantastic but I don’t have to much to say about it. It has a good bounce to it, you could dance to it. She sings in a way that isn’t annoying and it’s catchy! Also, I vibe with the singer.
Azerbaijan 🇦🇿: something died inside of me when I heard the first notes of this song: the clinking of a piano. And that’s what the entire song is. Some guy just singing about bad relationships in a boring way with the clinking piano in the background. Yell-singing might bring some emotional intensity to your song but it won’t make it good or tolerable. But even that emotional intensity is dwarfed by the emotional energy of other tracks.
Belgium 🇧🇪: it’s a slightly more upbeat song about breakups. Unlike all the other crap ballads about people making you sad, this is more about trying to erase them. It’s about not missing them or wanting them but still about being haunted by them. The song isn’t overwhelmingly good in a way that’s memorable for me personally but it’s certainly decent.
Bulgaria 🇧🇬: Bulgaria is in their flop era besties. This was not good. It was so boring that I could not bring myself to relisten to it while writing this review. The video is generic and looks like it was made from stock footage. The actual song is also mediocre. It’s not bad and it’s something I’d listen to on the radio while in the car but I’d never put it on myself. It’s just so easy, so risk-free, so boring, and dare I say it but ‘cringe’.
Croatia 🇭🇷: another acoustic song about relationships but I’m grateful that she’s not singing like an indie singer (if you know what I mean). But this is definitely just a pretty alright pop song. It’s upbeat and feels somewhat intimate as she sings about running away and guilty pleasures. Certainly decent like Belgium’s entry.
Cyprus 🇨🇾: I do have to commend it for not having its chorus in English. Someone described it as very Greek and/or Cypriot. I’m certainly not from either of those places but I can see it. Despite the supposed traditional aspects in the song, this very much also sounds like a modern pop song. I normally have a bone to pick with modern pop songs as I’m still stuck in the 2000s and the 2010s but this one is not boring at all. This song hasn’t hooked me in as others have but it’s certainly a solid pop song.
Czechia 🇨🇿: this track is a bit generic honestly but its not that subpar that I hate it. I do like the bridge about changing furniture and bed covers because omg that’s so me! I also change my furniture and sheets. Though the music video confuses me as its a sci-fi 1984 Half-Life Star-Wars dystopia and I don’t understand what that has to do with the song in the slightest.
Denmark 🇩🇰: I’m trying to find non-repetitive ways of saying my eyes glazed over. But this song called me heart, soul, and fields to wither. It’s another person singing with a piano. Then suddenly a genre change happens, people bringing about big guitars but somehow it still sounds muted and lifeless despite the furious drumming. It’s slightly better than Bulgaria’s rock song which is commendable but this is so tiring.
Estonia 🇪🇪: he’s certainly talented and I like the Western twang but this sounds like Imagine Dragons. I had hate the thing he does with his voice which makes him sound like Imagine Dragons but I do think this song will grow on me to a point where I tolerate it.
Finland 🇫🇮: there is something unappealing about a man who looks like he doesn’t shower, singing about his love for sexy tomboys. Though what I just said is incredibly bad faith, it’s still a bad song. Out of all the other competing songs in Finland’s national final, they had to pick this mediocre track which has the same energy as Game Over “my life is like a video game” by Falling in Reverse.
France 🇫🇷: for some reason I had something incredibly negative and mean written for France; that they haven’t won since 1977 and that I’d doubt they’ll win this one either. And it’s true. I don’t think they’ll win this one but it doesn’t matter either since it’s very good. I don’t know what makes this good but it’s good. You’ll have to take my word for it. A bop.
Georgia 🇬🇪: energetic and upbeat. It’s certainly unique and I don’t mean that in an insulting way, as it utilises high pitched voices and a lot of electronic blips blip noises. I don’t understand what the hell the lyrics are about, singing about space crafts and wanting to be let out. It’s definitely an odd track but it’s charming. I don’t hate it! This energy is welcome.
Germany 🇩🇪: he can’t stop adding -ar to the end of his words like he’s a 15-year-old singing about their heartbreak while strumming on a ukulele. And that genuinely makes me hate the song so much. Without it, the song would have been decent but the -ar doesn’t kill me inside, it’s stabbing me and dragging my body to a ditch.
Greece 🇬🇷: I missed most of this song during my first listen since someone was mowing the grass outside. I relistened to it again and I was so sure I would hate it and I somewhat do, but it’s actually alright. I think some of her lyrics touch on the chaos and the hell of being lockdown and dealing with Covid. If it had just been that, I would have not complained but I don’t need another love song about dying together or whatever.
Iceland 🇮🇸: I’ve had enough of acoustic guitars to last a lifetime but this song is alright. It’s not as good as previous Icelandic entries but it’s also not horribly bad. It’s also commendable that it’s not in English. It’s honestly just a bit boring personally and I found myself zoning out.
Ireland 🇮🇪: this wants to be a 2000s or 2010s pop song so bad. The chorus leaves a bit to be desired as it feels similar to the verses in energy, volume, and intensity. Also using “fool” the way she uses feels a bit out of place, too old-timey. But otherwise, I like this. I welcome the pop so much after hearing all of this other garbage.
Italy 🇮🇹: another ballad. Pretend I am yawning and patting my mouth. And not even the squeaky chorus which sounded like a child trying to play a recorder will be able to awaken me from my slumber.
Israel 🇮🇱: he might have the X-factor but he does not have the make-an-interesting-song factor. I usually love this very flamboyant gay music but he has no charisma. And for all that supposed flamboyance, it still was not enough to keep my attention and stop me from zoning out. It also leaves a bitter taste in my mouth that this song is the only thing the Israel official Twitter (@israel) is posting about, and not the murder of Shireen Abu Akleh or any very important current events.
Latvia 🇱🇻: I hate his hairdo but I admire his energy. He just might not pass a drug test. The song is very eccentric, quickly switching between promoting green/eco solutions and sexual innuendos. Though this somewhat does sound like something they’d play in the background of a power company advertisement on TV. But otherwise, I like this. This is good actually.
Lithuania 🇱🇹: I was baited again. This is another Albania. I thought I was going to hate it but it turned out to be fantastique. It’s very sleek, very Mary Quant with lovely decorations in the music which pling and bling in just the right way. Flecks of sound to create a rich oil painting.
Macedonia 🇲🇰: I am convinced I’ve heard this before and written something about it but alas, I could not find it. I don’t like this but it’s definitely an alright pop song. I also don’t really like how she sings either. But it could be far worse.
Malta 🇲🇹: I remember watching her perform a different song in some sort of final or audition of sorts. And I’m glad they changed that as I would have otherwise clawed my ears off and/or died of boredom. This song is decent and the lyrics are pleasant. I don’t really like them but there are people who need music like this. So music which empowers them and makes them feel good about who they are. So it’s certainly a decent pop song.
Moldova 🇲🇩: last time they flew too close to the sun with Sugar in 2021 and they recognised that. Don’t submit an actually good song when you’re a poor country since you might win which is not good. But the thing is, this song is also good! It’s just a ‘joke’ entry, with lyrics about taking a train from Chișinău (capital of Moldova) to Bucharest (capital of Romania), singing about how they feel like they’re one country but they’re two. It all feels familial, like the energy your funny uncle has after a few drinks.
Montenegro 🇲🇪: I don’t really like this song but I do like her costumes at least. It’s just boring in some parts honestly but I’m glad the chorus has some flavour to it which sounds a bit folk with tambourines and violin. It’s otherwise pretty decent, it’s pretty good. It supposedly comes from the death of her mother due to Covid. And I think she does her mother justice with a song that’s actually good and actually triggers emotions that aren’t utter boredom, but a sadness.
Netherlands 🇳🇱: I admire that it’s in Dutch and I enjoy the drama of the music video. I don’t really care for the song but I do like its wistful energy. Like the feeling of listening to Coldplay whilst driving in the dark.
Norway 🇳🇴: great concept but bad execution. What do I mean by this? It’s an interesting concept with fun lyrics, an Among Us DJ, and Daft Punk style masks. But the actual music they put their lyrics over what sounds like a Marshmello track. So pretty much some of the most boring electronic music I’ve heard in my life. Semi-unrelated but while researching for this very astute and clever article, I came across a Marshmello song named ‘Alone’ which is essentially a higher budget version of Mask by Dream.
Poland 🇵🇱: when I heard the first clanks of the piano, my eyes glazed over. This really sounds like a combination of Sam Smith and Imagine Dragons and that is in no way a compliment. The chorus makes this somewhat tolerable.
Portugal 🇵🇹: it’s another singing sing sing song. It’s slowish and serious. There’s worse but this is honestly boring like it can’t catch my attention and can’t keep it. I would hate this less if there weren’t fifty clones of this already in this year’s Eurovision.
Romania 🇷🇴: it’s a very American pop song but it is commendable that the chorus isn’t in English. And the instrumental during the chorus is good and interesting. But otherwise, this song is unremarkable but it’s not offensively bad or anything. The backing dancers being in semi-sheer clothing while dancing with a lot of flair and drama is also commendable. It could be far worse.
San Marino 🇸🇲: they had this entry in mind when they wrote “gay or European” because I can’t tell (and I will eventually be disappointed when I find out he’s just European). This song honestly drips with some sort of homoerotic sexuality (especially with Achille making bedroom eyes at the camera during the live performance). This is honestly my favourite Eurovision entry. Love it!
And this is a bit of a spicy take but it’s better than the 2021 Italian entry. I was always neutral on that entry. Like it wasn’t the best but it was pretty good. And the 2022 San Marino entry takes all of that great rock stuff but adds some glitter, adds more sex appeal, adds some charisma, and just makes it feel less hollow.
Serbia 🇷🇸: this is the 100 Gecs of Eurovision. I care less about the verses but the escalating chorus is very enjoyable. I like the electronic elements, the artistic autotune, and the impressive beat. I haven’t figured out what my favourites are but I think this will be one of them.
Slovenia 🇸🇮: there’s not really anything to like. It’s certainly not bad. But I wouldn’t go out of my way to actually listen to it. The lyrics aren’t interesting and the instrumental isn’t interesting either. It’s high quality definitely but such a safe bet.
Spain 🇪🇸: yes this song is a bit generic but I still think it goes hard. Chanel is a good performer who seems to be natural on the stage, able to put on a good show, and seems to enjoy it. This is all sigma behaviour. The dance number was very enjoyable to watch thanks to all of her energy and charisma.
Sweden 🇸🇪: just when we thought the ballads were over, we get another one! God help me. There were worse ballads but otherwise, I don’t really have anything to say about this song. Even the pop element or the intensity makes me care about this song.
Switzerland 🇨🇭: this track is called Boys Do Cry. And it’s true, I wept from boredom. I’m so tired of these ballads. It’s another one of these. I feel like I’m being drowned in generic ballads with generic music videos.
Ukraine 🇺🇦: it’s a folk-rap song seemingly dedicated to his mother and the things she taught him. Which is very sweet. But the song itself sounds very good with a delightful combination of genres with that haunting style of singing which I keep forgetting the name of.
United Kingdom 🇬🇧: the start of the music video gave me hope that this would be something goofy. And it somewhat is, a man singing about being an astronaut. It’s certainly better than last year’s UK entry and it’s not boring. It’s not something I like but I think this song is commendable, praisable.
TDLR
Just a note, but for all the countries listed below, they’re not ordered by how much I like them or dislike them.
The Good
Albania, Spain, Lithuania, France, San Marino, Austria, Moldova, Netherlands, and Ukraine.
Solid or Decent Pop Songs
Belgium, Croatia, Cyprus, Ireland, Malta, Romania, and Switzerland.
The Bad
Bulgaria, Poland, Italy, Finland, Germany, and all the other ballads I haven’t been bothered to name.
The Wacky
Norway, Latvia, Georgia, Moldova.
Norway.
